So this morning's paper brings revelations of yet another brilliant literary expose: TE Lawrence just pretended to have been sexually assaulted while in custody, and wrote about it in The Seven Pillars of Wisdom to get back at a political enemy of Faisal.
As you do.
What a crock.
Last month Shakespeare's plays were written by ... well, actually I can't remember now, there's a new Shakespeare theory every month. Maybe it was Elizabeth or the Duke of Norfolk or Henry V. Anyone with a lace collar. Can't have been Lady Jane Grey. But whoever it was, it wasn't Shakespeare. Might have been Wilbur Smith. I'm not sure.
It's all nonsense. Don't these people have something better to do with their lives?
Anyway, I know the truth. But can you handle the truth?
All right. Here it is. Prepare to be shocked. Your life will never be the same from this moment on.
Shakespeare's plays were actually written backwards and in Latin by Leonardo Da Vinci (hence all the Italian settings) on the back of a painting by a left-handed albino monk whose descendents include TE Lawrence, Lucille Ball, and Katie Holmes. Or maybe it was Paul Holmes. Or Sherlock Holmes. I haven't quite finished that bit of research.
But of course Da Vinci himself, as we all know, was descended from Lot's Wife, and ran off with Drew Barrymore in Ever After - they went to Denmark, apparently (hence Hamlet) and were thought lost at sea (Tempest) but were saved by the great-great-grandfather of the same Turkish captain who arrested Lawrence (but didn't lay a finger on him).
Amazing, for sure, but it's clearly worth a 1000-page hardback.
I'm expecting a call from the History Channel any moment. I'm planning a Special Premiere. No, dammit - a mini-series. It'll be called The Truth Behind the Da Vinci Bloodline: An Epic Saga of Conspiracy, Big Advances and Intrigue. And other stuff I haven't thought up yet.
See you in court, Mister Shakespeare. If that's who you really are.